Who Holds You?

It's been difficult for me to see the purpose and gain meaning for the disturbing and painful experiences that have plagued my life. For most of my life, I believed that I was unworthy and unlovable. I adopted this false belief  in support of my emotionally abusive alcoholic father.

As I grew, I thought that surviving childhood cancer and all the problems associated with it would have endeared someone to me, especially a parent. But it did quite the opposite. I became the scapegoat for an adult who was either unwilling or unable to accept responsibility for his actions.

After my mother abandoned us at age 6, I started looking outside myself for approval, for someone to comfort me, to hold me, to love me. There was no one. Consequently, I developed the victim mentality of my father and grew to believe that everyone despised me. As a result, I became withdrawn and started hiding from everyone...including myself. By isolating myself, I was basically alienating myself from my own essence.

I didn't know what love was but I knew I was dying without it...and my dad; always at the ready with "You think you're so hard done by" as a constant reminder to me of HIS plight. This lack of understanding created a gnawing insecurity, a hopeless resignation and anger from not being loved, heard or understood.

The only way I could think of escaping this hell was by killing myself. What the doctors failed to do, I was secretly wishing to do to myself. Why didn't they kill me when they had the chance? I protested. Why did they let me live?

I demanded answers, but too afraid to let my voice be heard, I screamed inside myself where I was safe, of course nobody could hear me. How could they?

But surely, they could sense my anger which was fueled by self mutilation, self loathing, confusion, sickness, loneliness and a whole host of other negative attributes.

I couldn't carry this burden that was placed on me and started having thoughts of suicide at age 8. I started journaling at this young age and I credit THIS, as the ONLY thing that kept me from killing myself. I wrote about my troubles on bits of scrap paper or anything I could find and writing in the margins of the Yellow Pages became a favorite past time.

I worked with a life coach from 2008-2010 and came to understand that our natural human state is one of connection and intimacy with our world and the people in it, and that bonding with others is the basis for inner soul connections. Contrary to what I had learned; where isolation and disconnection were the norm. As I started forgiving myself and letting go of the negativity of my past, I noticed there being more space for light to shine.

This light is our essence. The negative attributes of my past have now been replaced with the attributes of soul: beauty, truth and goodness......I hold this little girl as a reminder to me to love myself unconditionally; otherwise I continue doing to her what was done to me. Some would argue that acceptance of myself is not really possible without me seeing the issues I have been resisting, as having some kind of useful purpose, and seeing them as meaningful for my growth.

While there may be some truth to that statement, this one begs the question, "Why do I need a reason to love?"

By Deborah B. Hawkey

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